my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
