I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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