I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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