Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
