are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
