sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
as a side note pls kill me
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
