i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize