defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
