So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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