So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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