I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just gargled with NyQuil
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
