So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
