Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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