he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
