Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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