A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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