Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
