I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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