When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
