bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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