My friends, they love my intelligence
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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