Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
