so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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