I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
