In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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