Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
