I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
