Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
