shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
