youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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