mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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