I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
this beer tastes like vomit already
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
