he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
