I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize