the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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