I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
