HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
