You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
