lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
