i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
