May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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