where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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