how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
