people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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