In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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