my soul wont recognize me after tonight
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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