we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
