You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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