nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
