I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
