My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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