Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I intend to get homeless drunk
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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