who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I will pee on everything he values.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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