??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
When did angry sex become our thing?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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