I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize