don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
