pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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