His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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