I just gift wrapped bread.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
