Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
