He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i think i have herpe
just one?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
