someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
