We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
