A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
