my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
