just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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