First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
