You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Randomize
