i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
