he puts the penis in happiness.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
