he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
