i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
