So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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