"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
