dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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