Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
